Silent Suffering (Poem)

*** Trigger Warning – The following poem strongly references suicide and death. ***

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but this poem might explain why. I’ve been going through what has undoubtedly been the worst case of depression I’ve ever had. Missing multiple days of work, self-isolation, lack of personal hygiene, laying in bed all day, and very dark thoughts.

I started to feel some relief when I started my medication again. Although it wasn’t much relief, I’m grateful for what it has done so far. Anyways, here’s a poem I managed to write after I found some relief.

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No, I’m not okay,
But I’m trying to be.
I take it day by day,
But sometimes I want to flee.

I’m silently suffering,
The voices want to end me.
My demons are smothering,
No matter how much I plea.

So many suicidal thoughts in my head,
Thinking that I’m better off dead.
I’m hanging on by a thread,
So I spend all day in bed.

I know it’s not my fault,
It’s a chemical imbalance.
But my life’s come to a halt,
I want to see God’s palace.

I don’t really want to die,
I just want the pain to end.
I don’t want to say goodbye,
Or give this pain to my friends.

Personal hygiene is a chore,
I can’t get out of my head.
Why must my heart be so sore,
I feel like I’m on my deathbed.

I stare at those bottles of pills,
I fall into the abyss.
The thought of it gives me chills,
Knowing I have the power to end this.

To live another day,
Is to fight another war.
I think I’ve lost my way,
I can’t do this anymore.

Suicide doesn’t end the pain,
It passes it onto those around you.
I promise not to die in vain,
It’s just something I have to go through.

I’ll allow myself morning,
I’ll make it to tomorrow.
Because even if it’s pouring,
The sun will soon begin to show.

– The Bipolar Gamer

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