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Obvious trigger warning for a very sensitive subject.

I’ve been holding off on posting this for a while. I wrote this when I was in a very dark place. It’s been in my backlog of articles to publish for months now. I was very hesitant to post it as it’s not a reflection of how I feel at this point in time. However, I feel that it’s necessary to post as it may potentially help someone else. Anyways, thanks for stopping by!

Suicide is a topic that’s often avoided when it should be openly talked about. Talking about it openly could prevent others from taking their own lives. It has saved mine.

My Struggle With Life

I’ve had a back and forth conflict with life. Being bipolar, I have my ups and downs but to a severity that’s hard to comprehend to most. I go through manic episodes and depressive episodes rather frequently, dubbed “rapid cycling”.

Manic Episodes

Before starting on medication, I’d have a manic episode at least once a month. They would last roughly 4 days but I would feel on top of the world. I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. It came with alot of negative aspects such as impulsiveness and angry outbursts. For the most part, I kind of miss this feeling of productivity and creativity.

Depressive Episodes

Now, imagine being on top of the world and then tripping and the world falls on top of you. This transition is an endless sea of hopelessness. It feels as if nothing will get better. This would last the remainder of the time until my next manic episode. Some days would be a combination of both but it was usually one or the other.


Why is suicide such a forbidden topic? Why must we ignore what’s surely the leading cause of death in teens and veterans? Suicide needs to be talked about more openly.

I don’t have much experience with death. I’ve lost family members but no first degree relatives. I’m fortunate enough to still have both of my parents. Death is almost a foreign concept to me.

There was one death that really shook me. About a year after I graduated high school, one of my friends took his own life. Attending his funeral was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Everyone wishes there was something they could’ve done. “He showed no signs”. They often don’t. Or maybe you’re not looking hard enough.

Case in point, Robin Williams. What would appear to have been the happiest guy alive with the constant joy he was spreading with his humor, was facing demons darker than the night sky. Depression is a silent killer. Sometimes you just don’t know what demons someone is facing. The happiest and most smiley people could be hiding a world of pain.

Recent Events

When I started this site, I promised myself I’d be as open as possible with my readers. That includes serious and touchy subjects.

Because of my medication, I don’t have manic episodes anymore. What does that leave me with? Depression. If I’m not depressed, I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel sympathy, empathy, happiness, sadness. I just simply exist. When I feel the depression, it’s often intense. Death has been on my mind. I’m not in crisis mode or anything, but death is a reoccurring subject in my head. I can’t stop the thoughts.

What has helped is watching videos about people talking openly about suicide and how they overcame or survived a suicide attempt. It shows people how they’re not alone and I think this is very important to understand. Depression makes you feel like you’re alone. It makes you believe you’re worthless and makes you question the meaning of life. You feel totally alone with these negative thoughts. By watching these videos, I now understand that I’m not the only one who is desperately clinging to life. This makes me feel better.

Not only videos, but music talking about it has helped significantly as well. One of my recent Mental Health Mondays features a band I’ve been listening to alot lately: The Amity Affliction.

Alot of their songs talk about death and finding a way out of the pain. The thing I’ve learned about suicide is that anybody that commits suicide doesn’t want to die, they just want the pain to end.

We Need To Talk About Suicide

I invite you to watch this great Ted Talks video about why we need to be talking about suicide. It highlights suicide statistics as well as gives you a better understanding of the topic from someone who has come out on the other side of suicidal ideation.

Wrapping Up

I realize this post is a little all over the place and I’m not even sure there’s a point to be made here. For that I apologize. Guess I just wanted to share my thoughts on the topic. Anyways, have a great day. 🙏


9 thoughts on “Suicide.

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  1. I too have had my manic episodes minimized with thanks to medication. however, the depressions are still suffocating.

    in IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) today, we were discussing things and “secrets” we could not share with our loved ones, and how this was supposed to be a safe place to share them. so I was honest about how I’m tired of trying, as I’ve been struggling with mental health since at least middle school. I explained that after IOP was up, I was going to push for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). and I secretly hoped that ECT would fail, because then I could kill myself knowing I tried everything that was available to me.

    I could tell my talks of suicide and dying made them uncomfortable, but they listened politely and intently.

    I think the stigma against suicide is preventing people who need help from getting it. because they are afraid to ask for it. but as long as mental health advocates and survivors can discuss their own stories and experience, other people who can no longer endure the struggle may find strength to carry on.

    so thanks for being one of those mental health advocates who shares. it takes a lot of bravery and strength to do so. but it can very well change a stranger’s life. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is awesome. You may feel you are “all over the place” but as a fellow bipolar-it, you’re good. I read you with open delight as you summed up how it goes, including the numbness and the benefit/deterrent of medication. I am saddened as you will likely grapple with it for life. Try not to give up. You may be in a better place now, but it may not remain. So, just keep listening if that’s what helps. Most of all, thank you. This is a fantastic piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really appreciate your openness above. This is a hard and difficult thing to discuss – truly. And you are right – talking about it saves lives. Bringing one’s struggles with suicidal thoughts or desires out into the open helps to relieve some of the internal pressure and shame. Of course, one has to be careful about who one confides in, but ultimately being open can lead to improved mental health.
    My own mental health and my desire to help others with similar struggles were the main reasons I started my depression blog. It is good to see others being open and wanting to help other people with what is often a taboo subject. Keep fighting the good fight!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree that we need to talk more about suicide. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for years, and it has been my deep, dark secret for most of that time. It’s stigmatized. The truth is, many people deal with these thoughts, and talking about them openly allows people to get help.

    Liked by 1 person

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