Obvious trigger warning for a very sensitive subject.
I’ve been holding off on posting this for a while. I wrote this when I was in a very dark place. It’s been in my backlog of articles to publish for months now. I was very hesitant to post it as it’s not a reflection of how I feel at this point in time. However, I feel that it’s necessary to post as it may potentially help someone else. Anyways, thanks for stopping by!
Suicide is a topic that’s often avoided when it should be openly talked about. Talking about it openly could prevent others from taking their own lives. It has saved mine.
My Struggle With Life
I’ve had a back and forth conflict with life. Being bipolar, I have my ups and downs but to a severity that’s hard to comprehend to most. I go through manic episodes and depressive episodes rather frequently, dubbed “rapid cycling”.
Before starting on medication, I’d have a manic episode at least once a month. They would last roughly 4 days but I would feel on top of the world. I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. It came with alot of negative aspects such as impulsiveness and angry outbursts. For the most part, I kind of miss this feeling of productivity and creativity.
Now, imagine being on top of the world and then tripping and the world falls on top of you. This transition is an endless sea of hopelessness. It feels as if nothing will get better. This would last the remainder of the time until my next manic episode. Some days would be a combination of both but it was usually one or the other.
Why is suicide such a forbidden topic? Why must we ignore what’s surely the leading cause of death in teens and veterans? Suicide needs to be talked about more openly.
I don’t have much experience with death. I’ve lost family members but no first degree relatives. I’m fortunate enough to still have both of my parents. Death is almost a foreign concept to me.
There was one death that really shook me. About a year after I graduated high school, one of my friends took his own life. Attending his funeral was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Everyone wishes there was something they could’ve done. “He showed no signs”. They often don’t. Or maybe you’re not looking hard enough.
Case in point, Robin Williams. What would appear to have been the happiest guy alive with the constant joy he was spreading with his humor, was facing demons darker than the night sky. Depression is a silent killer. Sometimes you just don’t know what demons someone is facing. The happiest and most smiley people could be hiding a world of pain.
When I started this site, I promised myself I’d be as open as possible with my readers. That includes serious and touchy subjects.
Because of my medication, I don’t have manic episodes anymore. What does that leave me with? Depression. If I’m not depressed, I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel sympathy, empathy, happiness, sadness. I just simply exist. When I feel the depression, it’s often intense. Death has been on my mind. I’m not in crisis mode or anything, but death is a reoccurring subject in my head. I can’t stop the thoughts.
What has helped is watching videos about people talking openly about suicide and how they overcame or survived a suicide attempt. It shows people how they’re not alone and I think this is very important to understand. Depression makes you feel like you’re alone. It makes you believe you’re worthless and makes you question the meaning of life. You feel totally alone with these negative thoughts. By watching these videos, I now understand that I’m not the only one who is desperately clinging to life. This makes me feel better.
Not only videos, but music talking about it has helped significantly as well. One of my recent Mental Health Mondays features a band I’ve been listening to alot lately: The Amity Affliction.
Alot of their songs talk about death and finding a way out of the pain. The thing I’ve learned about suicide is that anybody that commits suicide doesn’t want to die, they just want the pain to end.
We Need To Talk About Suicide
I invite you to watch this great Ted Talks video about why we need to be talking about suicide. It highlights suicide statistics as well as gives you a better understanding of the topic from someone who has come out on the other side of suicidal ideation.
I realize this post is a little all over the place and I’m not even sure there’s a point to be made here. For that I apologize. Guess I just wanted to share my thoughts on the topic. Anyways, have a great day. 🙏